Looking Back On Memories

It’s been a long while since I’ve revisited a memory that makes me deeply happy. I was going through some old things and found a couple letters that I had forgotten about. I took my time reading them and I will admit that a couple tears did come out. It’s not like I’m dwelling on the past, but it’s like looking back on your childhood and remembering the much more simpler times that you used to live. While reading these letters something triggered within me, something that told me to be proud of this person. We spoke about our dreams and goals together, we spoke about building a future together, we spoke about what made us laugh and cry, but the memory that I cherish the most; is when we were together.

I recall our first date just like it was yesterday. I was nervous as hell, when you first opened the door and sat in my car I thought to myself “whoa, she’s beautiful”. Not even 5 minutes into the car ride we just clicked. You asked me about my day, what I did for work, what I do at work, etc. That was different for me, it was different because no one ever really expressed any general interest in me and it was cool as hell knowing that you truly did give a damn.

We went to go watch hunger games that night, I was never really into it – hell, I never had even heard of it. But it was something to do, and it was something to converse about after it had all ended. I’ll tell you this, you’re the one that got me into the series and I can’t thank you enough for introducing me to such a wonderful series. After, we went to olive garden. I’ve never been to olive garden prior to this night but I was willing to give it a shot. It was hard finding things for me to talk about at first when we sat down, so I took the gamble and asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?” That’s always a safe question to ask anybody, because everybody loves talking about their passion. I don’t think you’ll ever know it, but as you spoke about the future you wanted I found it to be the most adorable thing in the world. Your smile was wide as the golden gate bridge is long, your eyes twinkled like a thousand stars on the darkest of nights in the quiet country side. You stopped yourself abruptly and said to me “am I talking too much?” All I could do was smile, shake my head and said “continue”. And then we ended the night, no hug, no kiss, just a goodbye.

On my drive back I was worried if you actually had fun. So many thoughts raced through my head as I took the 45 minute drive home. I decided to text you saying “hey, hope you had fun tonight. Hopefully there’s more nights like tonight in the future?” You replied “Yes! Definitely!” My heart fluttered as I read that, and that was the beginning of when our emotions began to blossom for each other like a lotus flower.

We immediately made plans to hang out again for black friday. I called you Thanksgiving night letting you know that I would be coming with a friend. I mumbled my words as I normally do and you had this disappointed and angry reaction. I didn’t understand it at first so I texted you “is someone mad?” You replied with “have fun with your friends.” I replied “ohhhhhhhhhhhh, I said I’m coming with a friend!” You felt so guilty after, I found it to be quite adorable.

After I picked you up and we got to the outlet mall the place was stupid packed. So that’s when we first held hands. I still remember the words I said to you to get us to hold hands “we should hold hands so we don’t end up getting lost” and you grabbed mines without any hesitation. I blushed so hard in that dimly lit parking lot as the warmth of your hand transferred over to mines.

I remember one day in particular – walking around parks was our thing. We went to a new park and I had brought us some sandwiches from work to eat while we talked in the cold. When we arrived at the park, ducks just surrounded us, I had never seen that many ducks in one place before and I’ll admit that I was a bit scared of them. You told me to keep it pushing and so we did, but the reaction on both of our faces were priceless as we crept through the sea of ducks who wanted nothing but our sandwiches. Once we finally made it through the crowd we were so relieved. We shared a moment where we both were scared, and in that moment I realized that it’s always been you that I was searching for.

Do you remember when we first said “I love you”? I picked you up for one of our late night drives and we parked. We sat in the back seat of my car, held each other in our arms as we always did and just started conversing about whatever was on our minds. We were young, we were innocent, we were pure. The night wore on and tiredness had taken a toll on me since I had worked that day. It was almost 3 in the morning and I laid my head on your chest, listening to your heart beat. We sat in silence as you ran your fingers through my hair. Breaking the silence I said “hey” you looked me in my eyes and I looked into yours. I was the first to cave in and said “I love you.”

I’ll admit, towards the end of everything, it got toxic. Not for the both of us, but for you. I wanted to take the time to apologize for that. I want to take the time to say sorry for the tears I made you cry. It wasn’t supposed to end up that way, it was supposed to be filled with laughter and smiles for us. I wanted to acknowledge the problem and say that it was my fault we ended the way we did. It was best that we parted ways, or else you wouldn’t be where you are right now. All I ever wanted for you was for you to have the best things in life that brings a smile to your face.

She may never come across this to read, she may not even think about me anymore, and that’s alright with me. But if she does happen to stumble across this, I just want to let her know that I’m proud of her. Proud of what risks she’d taken, proud that she’s making her dreams and goals into reality, proud that she’s taken so many steps throughout this journey in life to get to where she’s at, but most of all – proud of the person she’s become.


An old friend

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